I don't want your PSP!

One thing I rarely see caregivers post about -- correct me if I'm wrong -- is worrying about getting the disease themselves. I know that there seems to be very little risk of transmitting genetic mutations of dementia, Alzheimer's or PSP according to what we know so far. And caregivers are busy, and sometimes traumatized, and probably just too tired to think about it.

But I think about it. I think about the potential causes of my mom's PSP, particularly as it involves environmental contaminants, because I was exposed to the same probable culprit as she -- well water in a rural area, and near a metalworking plant to boot -- and at a younger age. (I'll get to the latest research on probable triggers in another post soon.)  In fact, I'm scared witless, and being near her heightens the fear. When something particularly horrid happens, like an incontinence episode or food gorging or a fall, I think, usually after I've helped rectify matters but sometimes while in the throes of it, "Oh, please, please, don't let this happen to me."

That half-scared, half repulsed feeling doesn't stop with the disease, though.  It has spilled over into other signs of aging that I share with my mom (and her mom). That nose-to-chin smile crease...the pooched stomach...the flabby thighs...the "bye-bye" arms that keep waving after you've stopped.  Maybe this is normal among women, and has nothing to do with the disease.  Maybe the disease has intensified these feelings for me.  I can't tell.

I feel deeply disloyal thinking this way, of course. Even though I can't recall thinking as a child that I wanted to be just like Mom, and as an adult, see many of her fallabilities -- it's just not right to so vehemently want to not be like her, particularly when she is such an outstanding person and giving, selfless mother.

On the other hand, I believe that we each have the power to determine much of our physical and mental health, and I spend a good deal of time each day exercising, shopping and preparing produce, reading vegan cookbooks (yet cooking the same old green vegetables, fried tofu and bean soup).  Last year we installed a reverse-osmosis water filtration system.  We eat organic whenever possible.  Hell, I don't even like to use non-organic shampoos. So to me, aging badly represents personal failure on some level.  Again, probably unfair to myself and my mother, but I'm sure this feeling can only be worked out after years of therapy, if at all.

Can I get rid of flabby thighs and arms? Probably, yes, with enough effort. Can I prevent PSP?  Again, if I haven't triggered any bad genes yet, I probably can.  Do I worry too much?  Probably, but isn't it warranted?