The tour of duty ends

Mom is leaving today, and I am admittedly relieved on some levels.  My house can go back to its freakishly quiet and orderly self, without someone washing a pink robe with a hot load of whites, picking up kiddie beads one by one on the kitchen floor -- just when I need to make lunches or dinner in a hurry -- or descending the dark, steep stairs unattended at 4 a.m.

And yet, I will just need to worry afar now, instead of trying to control every little aspect right here at home.  I will have my illusion of freedom, enjoy a jog, a yoga class, a glass of wine -- but we're never truly free if we love, right?  This recalls our visit to Tibet last summer, for which I had pined more than a decade.  My daughter was terribly sick the entire time from altitude illness, and we had to leave early.  I was too frantic to really experience the magnitude of my location.  But then, what is a sharper emotion than fear for your child?

Anyway. I think I made some breakthroughs in terms of caring for someone with PSP, which I will share in another post. Plus, I'll miss my mom.  We had many sweet and surprisingly lucid moments, exactly as I had hoped, and who knows how much of a decline there will be before she visits again (with Dad), in May?  So, all in all, a bittersweet parting. I saw her sneakers standing empty by the wall and had to choke back tears.

But I'm proud of myself.  I did it!  One of most trying and important ventures of my life, second only to the first three months of raising twins.  (I've had job stints that were much harder to get through, but far less important.)  And I did it.  Thanks to you all, especially to my amazing, big-hearted friends.  We have gotten a definitive diagnosis, too, and the amantadine, which Mom started a few days ago, does have some effect in keeping her steady while walking or bending.  She even seems to be more responsive and lucid. That's good stuff.